Funnies For You!

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God vs. Scientist
The scientist approached God and said, "Listen, we've decided we no longer need you. Nowadays we can clone people, transplant hearts, and do all kinds of things that were once considered miraculous. God patiently heard him out and then said, "All right, to see whether or not you still need me, why don't we have a man-making contest?" "Okay, great!" the scientist said." "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam," God said. "That's fine," replied the scientist and bent to scoop up a handful of dirt. "Whoa!" God said, shaking his head in disapproval. "Not so fast, pal. You get your own dirt!"
Reader's Digest July 2001 - submitted by Mary E. Chancellor

Got a letter from Grandma the other day.
She writes... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus," bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is ..... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign, or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing.....why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I'll bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers; grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
Love, Grandma

Died in Service
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for sometime, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning, " replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. Father Scott, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 8:00 or the 11:00?"
God Answers Prayer
A woman was getting a pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse, her son had come down with a high fever and would she come and take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie in the oven, she left for school.

When she arrived, her son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to the doctor. Seeing her son like that -- his face flushed, his body trembling and dripping with perspiration -- frayed her, and she drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed a bit more waiting for the doctor to emerge from the examining room, which he was doing now, walking toward her with a slip of paper in his hand. "Get him to bed," he told her, handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right away."

By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but frazzled and frantic as well. She had forgotten about the pie in the oven. At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription filled and rushed back to the car . . . Which was locked. Yes, there were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside the car. She ran back into the mall, found a phone and called home. When her son finally answered, she blurted out, "I've locked the keys inside the car!" The boy was barely able to speak. In a hoarse voice he whispered, "Get a wire coat hanger, Mom You can get in with that." The phone went dead. She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger -- which turned but not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she found one that was behind the times just enough to use wire hangers. Hurrying out of the mall, she allowed herself a smile of relief.

As she was about to step off the curb, she halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know what to do with this!" Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began crying.

Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys are locked in the car and Lord, I don't know what to do with this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know what do with it and I really need that person NOW, Lord. Amen." She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her. A young man, twentyish-looking, in a T-shirt and ragged jeans, got out. The first thing she noticed about him was the long, stringy hair, and then the beard that hid everything south of his nose. He was coming her way. When he drew near she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into a locked car with one of these?" He gaped at her for a moment, then plucked the hanger from her hand. "Where's the car?" Telling the story, she said she had never seen anything like it -- it was simply amazing how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger and bam! Just like that, the door was open! When she saw the door open, she threw her arms around him. "Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy. You must be a Christian!" He stepped back and said, "No ma'am, I'm not a Christian, and I'm not a good boy. I just got out of prison yesterday." She jumped at him and she hugged him again -fiercely. "Praise the Lord!" she cried. "He sent me a professional!"

The Ferrari and the Moped
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped (looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what this car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160-mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250-mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275-mph. whoooooosh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old Man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320-mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"